With National Infertility Awareness week coming up, sharing this post has been weighing heavily on my heart. Did you know that nearly 25% of women have had or will have a miscarriage? And yet, it is this huge thing that no one talks about. But I am sure you have a friend who has been through this, or you yourself have suffered a loss.
A few weeks ago, after years of trying, I finally got a positive pregnancy test. I didn’t quite believe it and took five more tests over the course of the next 48 hours. I was about two weeks late, and just hadn’t tested because I assumed my period would be coming any second. I had taken way too many pregnancy tests to be peeing on a stick at 10 days post ovulation.
For a whopping six days I got to experience the most all consuming joy and hope for the future. I was able to sob the tears of happiness that have been sitting behind a damn for the last 30 months. And then I had it all ripped away from me in the blink of an eye.
I hadn’t told a soul other than my husband that I was pregnant. Not even my mom. How do you tell someone you are in the middle of the most heart wrenching moment of your life when they didn’t even know you were pregnant? If you are like me, you don’t. You suffer in silence, put on your happy face, and hide as much as you can until you have managed the pain.
But if you are one of the few a friend decides to confide in, you may not know the best way to care for them. Especially if you haven’t experienced a loss yourself. I hope this helps you and those you love.
When Someone Is Ready to Share
Maybe you have a friend who was so excited to tell you the news that she couldn’t wait. Or maybe your sister or coworker was already a good amount into her pregnancy. But when that loved one is ready to share about the loss of their baby, one you may or may not have been ready for, I would like to give you a few words of wisdom from myself and some of you wonderful readers.
Ask your friend how they grieve.
It is hard to know how to help someone when there isn’t much to do to “help.” But asking what your friend needs from you and how you can help is a great place to start. They will probably tell you not to worry, and brush off any help, but knowing that you are there is a huge comfort.
Send a meal
Even if it is pizza delivered from down the block, driving over with Chick-fil-a and a diet coke, or making her family a home cooked dinner. There is so much comfort in having simple tasks taken care of when all you want to do in hide under the sheets.
Offer Distractions
You don’t have to put on a show, but offer a movie date to your girlfriend. Text her and let her know you are picking her up to go for a drive or a manicure. Or come over and binge watch some trash TV in complete silence. Being alone is hard. But sometimes there aren’t any words to fix those wounds.
Talk to them
If you think a miscarriage is uncomfortable or emotional for you, imagine what your friend is going through. Even if it has been weeks, a quick hug and query into how they are doing can go a long way. That pain sits in their heart forever. And I promise you they are still hurting.
Put together a care package
If you aren’t physically near your BFF when they may be going through this, you can let them know you are thinking of them. An email, postcard, or a quick package sent in the mail is a great way to let them feel your love. You don’t have to do much. But a favorite chocolate bar and a new nail polish can go a long way for a grieving mother.
Remember that it doesn’t stop
From that moment of a positive pregnancy, that woman knew her baby’s due date, thought about what the sex would be and probably thought of a few names. In the span of an hour she had a few maternity thoughts and probably imagined how she would tell her friends and family. It was real.
And it will continue to be real. Due dates will come and be hard all over again. The missing pain in her heart will always be sitting on the back burner, waiting for a flame to trigger a wave of sadness.
Be brave for her. Be her pillow to cry on or her shoulder to hold her up. And be ok with the emotions. It is sad and uncomfortable and messy. But she needs you.
What NOT to Say
When I asked those of you who may have also experienced a loss how those around you could support you or help you during/after a miscarriage, I got an overwhelming response of things NOT to say. I have included a few of the stand out ones, but you get the idea.
Don’t downplay your friend’s hurt. Don’t try to “look on the upside” or tell them they are better off. Just let them know you love them and that their pain is valid.
“Please, for the love of god, do not say things like it wasn’t meant to be”
“Aren’t you glad the baby didn’t suffer?”
“When do you want/ are you going to try again?”
“At least you already have one!”
“Now you know you can get pregnant!”
“This happens all the time.”
If you have experienced a loss like this, I would love to hear any advice you may have for someone who may be grieving or needs help supporting someone through this. <3
